Welcome to the mighty Pukeko-burgring, where we believe rules are for people who don't know how to drive. For everyone else, we have these "suggestions" to ensure we all leave with our pride—and more importantly, our karts—intact.

Rule Number One (and the hardest for some): The 'Try Not To Use Your Co-Competitor As A Bumper' Rule.

We know you're competitive. We know that other kart is in your way. But, in an astonishing twist, intentionally driving into another driver is "frowned upon." We find it leads to awkward situations, like having to explain to the track owner why his expensive equipment is now integrated with someone's spinal column. So, as tempting as it is to act out your Mario Kart fantasies, let's keep the contact to a minimum. Aim for a clean pass, not a "T-bone with a side of paint chips."

Rule Number Two: The 'Protect Your Own Crumb-Cruncher' Mandate.

For some bizarre reason, we insist you wear a helmet and goggles at all times while you’re in the kart. We know you're all very attached to your current facial structure and that a high-speed collision with a bug (or, more likely, a confused pukeko) is exactly how you want to finish your weekend, but we've got this weird thing about "safety" and "minimising reconstructive surgery." Your helmet is your new best friend; think of it as a fashionable, life-saving hat.

Rule Number Three: The 'Actually Obeying the Speed Limit in Pit Lane' Act.

We know, we know. The pit lane is where you really open it up, right? Wrong. The pit lane is for driving like you're searching for a parking spot at a busy grocery store, not for qualifying for the Grand Prix. We're pretty fond of the crew,and we'd prefer them to remain on two feet, rather than being part of your latest time-trial data point. The speed limit is 10 km/h. Yes, 10. That's walking pace. We have the technology to clock you, and we will use it to mock you.

The 'Pukeko Hazard' Warning

Also, a special note for the Pukeko-burgring: Pukekos are native, protected birds. They also have an uncanny ability to stand exactly where you don't want them to. If one wanders onto the track, your objective is simple: avoid the bird. Do not swerve violently and create a nine-kart pile-up, but do not, under any circumstances, turn it into roadkill. A Pukeko will look you in the eye while it ruins your line, and you must respect its commitment to chaos.

Now, go forth and try not to break anything. We’re all rooting for you. Mostly.